The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with Joy - Tell us one short story here!

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Permalink Reply by Malinda Euell on May 20, 2009 at 2:57pm

Ryan I praise God for your deliverance from depression. I love how your parents had enough of Christ in them to invest time in loving you and not judging you. That's the true expression of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm happy for you!

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Permalink Reply by Frankie Joubert on March 3, 2009 at 10:11am

One of the truly great times that my wife and I saw the hand of God move was on a church camp that we attended. My good friend Marius (a drummer) organized the event for us, as he is quite involved in the music industry in South Africa.

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Permalink Reply by Malinda Euell on May 20, 2009 at 2:59pm

Wow! Your testimony shows that God is still sovereign over disease and sickness in our bodies. He is a God of miracles! Awesome testimony!

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Permalink Reply by Malinda Euell on May 20, 2009 at 2:55pm

Kenny thanks so much for sharing your testimony. It is always encouraging to hear what God is doing in others' lives. Well, God has done so much for me, but I will share a brief testimony as well.

I work for AT&T, a large international company. I only handle the small business side and collaborate with the retail stores for that. Well, with the recession, our company laid off over 12,000 employees. In addition, I had a 6 month span of not hitting my quota. AND YET, God has kept me safe from being laid off and I have not lacked in anything financially. Just last month I was able to, by God's grace, over exceed my quota and receive recognition. Last month I stopped stressing, worrying, and complaining, and became still and shonuff, witnessed the salvation of God from my drought at work.

Thank you Jesus for being true to your word! You do supply all of our needs regardless of the economy, our fears, or our doubts. You will be God period and I love you for that!

Be blessed my Gottalife friends and know that whatever you need or want, God can supply it. He will be God, enjoy being His child!

Malinda

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Permalink Reply by Doug Hudson on July 15, 2009 at 3:50pm

Doug Hudson said…I was driving through Twin Cities GA two nights ago and stopped at a friends house briefly, just in time for a torrential downpour of rain. As it let up and I ran to my pickup, my friend commented about a rainbow. I looked down the street and saw the end of one at the intersection and pointed it out to her and we marveled at the sight. I drove that way on my way out of town and as I came to the intersection, the rainbow shrunk down and was a small arc that started on one side of the road and arced to the other side. I have driven in lots of rainstorms and have never seen such a sight!! It just coveered the distance from one side of the road to the other side and traveled with me for approximately three miles as I drove towards Portal, GA. I was in awe, spine tingling laughing and crying awe of this tiny rainbow that traveled ahead of me!
This God we serve is amazing!!
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Permalink Reply by Clark Raulerson on March 1, 2011 at 2:28pm

Since I'm new I will start by giving the story how I came to be in Christ. First some background, I grew up believing in God and that Jesus being the Son of God and that he died for us on the cross so we can be saved. Beyond that our family was not involved in any church except a few visits around the holidays until I was 12 until 14. So the seeds were sown.

 

By 16 I was open, wide open to hear about Jesus. I would go on the side of my mom's house to pray and ask God why was I created, for what purpose. I would pray about many things since I was disillusioned with life in general. God put it in my heart to seek Him and that is what I did. Proverbs was the first book I read, it was a breath of fresh air. I wanted to know God but was not interested in most churches we went to. Even reading The Children's Bible Story was good---the concepts were there though only a narrative of the Bible. I read through the whole OT section. I had a strong sense of (((GOD))). How else to put that?

 

And a few months after turning 17 (this went on for about 9 months) I went to the Halloween Ball on UF Campus. While being there I was disgusted, this reminded me Israel in the desert dancing around the golden calf. I knew this was unusual for me, for a teenager esp., but I wanted to know the God who created me. So without saying a word to my older sister and brother I turned my back and walked home 10 miles on Halloween night. I remember asking God for protection on that crazy night.

 

Once home I laid on my bed and began to pray about my whole life. And so I told God I wanted Him, to know Him, "but not as those religious people." Yeah, that's what I said. So I thanked Jesus for dying on the cross for me, and that He rose from the dead, and He is Lord. Immediately a new joy flooded my inner being. My soul was filled with joy. I did not know my spirit came to life but that is what happens.

 

The next morning I perceived God wanted me to get out of bed. I had no idea why but got up anyway which was unusual for me esp. if I stayed up late. Soon as my feet hit the floor a young couple knocked on my door to ask me to a Home Evangelistic Bible Study later that week. Their names were Jim and Pat. Later they became friends of mine and Jim finished (as a way of putting it) what God had started. He led me to a greater understanding of Christ Jesus and the Word in general.

 

So I went to my first Bible study and for the first time I met people who were different---one of the things I prayed about. They seemed to know about spiritual things. The home Bible study was an outreach with Crossroads Church of Christ. That church was good for the time but I eventually left. So did Jim and Pat who moved to Pensacola, FL.

 

Anyway after a month I went forward to be baptized. They recommend I count the cost and showed me how I was making a commitment to Jesus Christ. I did not even bring up how I prayed the night before I met them though they knew I was open. And so on that Friday night I was baptized in Christ after confessing Him as Lord. 

 

I grew and changed. Teachers in high school noticed a difference since before this I was the usual pot smoker. My mind cleared up. My face cleared up. No one opposed my decision to follow Jesus Christ. They did have reservations about the church I was with. I told them no one has to go to Crossroads to be a Christian, that I belong to Jesus Christ. I did not know at the time the reputation Crossroads had. It was mostly persecution, but part of it was Crossroads over time got the case of the big head and became controlling. For me, though, Jim was discipling me. He already knew the scriptures before Crossroads. And I learned early, instinctively, who to go to and who not to. And after two years Jim and his wife Pat moved to Pensacola with their two new born twins.

 

I'm leaving a lot out. But there were good relationships and bad ones. If anyone knows of the International Churches of Christ then you know what I mean. This was not as bad but God led me to the right brothers and sisters for friendships and I learned more from them than the church itself. Fellowship was big there. I guess you could say I was with an organic group of believers by default. But after 4 years I left to join the Army and the rest is history. It was after my time in the Army when so many people were leaving Churches of Christ to worship at home. The idea of house church began there but there was so much more to be restored to us.

 

I've been with Charismatic churches, Calvary Chapel, and see all the more how organic church life is so much more and springs out of our relationship, connection, identity, in Christ Jesus.

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Permalink Reply by Clark Raulerson on March 1, 2011 at 2:36pm

Hey Ryan. I read part of your testimony. I didn't know this page was in response to your testimony. I just added my own. I will find out to navigate through here soon.

 

Great to hear how you came out of depression and alcohol. Better yet you had seen a change in your family and that's one way you came around. Makes a difference when Christians, in your case your parents, are not there to judge you but to help you. There's a big difference. Praise God!

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Permalink Reply by cunneda on June 25, 2011 at 6:25pm

Peace

 

The cry rings out --- Peace. Peace.
Behold;....... for peace,
I had great bitterness:
Blood on the hands;
Gall on the tongue;
Unforgiveness in the heart.
For the way of peace;
I did not Know .......
Could not know.

Mischief came upon mischief;
Suddenly, in the thick of shadows:
A light ....... Overwhelming Light!
I was without strength -- speechless.
Hubris; perfidy exposed ....... slain.
Inchoation ....... efflorescense ....... metempsychosis:
Promise pierced my soul.
A fresh mind; a pure heart; a new life;
Suddenly Awake!  ....... Astounded!

The Spirit is Life...and Peace,
Flowing from Him; through the Body;
Unto the world ....... Unrecognized;
Unrequited .......It must be so;
"For the fruit of righteousness
Is sown in the peace of them that make peace.
And He who formed the Light
And created the darkness.
Will keep that soul in peace.

 

My verse is my testimony and the witness of my love; He took me from a jail cell almost 40 yrs. ago, and transformed every detail of my life. I am now the father of 6 and the grandfather of 10, with a life so full of His joy that sometimes I have to pinch myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming. Walking with God is truly a wonderful, wonderful life.

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Permalink Reply by Jimmy Nduruchi on June 26, 2011 at 11:45am

Oh the peace from God that surpasses all human understanding! Oh the joy, when God’s children are able to experience that peace the comes only from the Father; the peace that the world yearns for, spending and being spent in search of this hidden treasure that only the cross of Calvary bought for those who would believe in Him that bore that shame to overcome sin and death and conquer the whole world for Himself! We live in times when peace is not spoken about, let alone being felt. Nations are worried about things that they cannot even control. Tragedy looms upon the face of the earth, as lots of resources are ploughed into researching the wrong things—drugs and diseases and deadly weaponry and human physiology among others. Oh that they put all those resources into searching for the unfathomable riches in Christ Jesus; that they researched on love, mercy, grace and kindness.

Arise O Lord, and teach Your children how to live; that they may stop worrying about death and destruction that must come upon them with their filth and stiffnekedness. Pour down Your Spirit from above, that the world may be filled with the glory of Your divine knowledge. Let the shakeables be shaken that those who are rooted in the Rock my bend down and pick the pieces; that the potter may do His work over again on His vessels.  O good shepherd, take hold of the lame and tired lamb; the one that needs peace, and hold it in Your warm embrace as You lead others on this straight and narrow that sometimes becomes so dreary.

 

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Permalink Reply by Michael Hartson on February 14, 2012 at 11:57am

ok.  I do a testimony time.  It is not a story I tell often, but it's a good one.  It is the story of how God found me.  Basically I did not have a good childhood.  It was at best dysfunctional, but most of the time filled with abuse, abandonment, neglect, ruled by narcissistic parents.  I was at the time a pagan.  I lived for myself, believed in nothing; not certainly God.  I actually took pleasure in persecuting, insulting, and ridiculing Christians I did know.  I was living with my paternal Grandmother at the time, because none of my parents wanted me, and to be quite honest my grandmother was less than thrilled with me living with her.  I was 17 at the time and she was doing childcare at a local bible conference.  She didn't believe in God, and disdained children.  She did it for the money, and brought me along to help earn some cash. After the conference they held one finally rally at a large auditorium at a local university, the guest speaker and singer was Anita Bryant; the year was 1977.  My Grandmother wanted to go, not hear Anita talk about God, but to listen to her singing.  I was forced to put on my dark navy blue leisure suit and go along, because she thought I needed some culture.  I did not wish to go.  While my grandmother took her place I proceeded to roam the auditorium looking to flirt with girls. I found some, did not do much flirting; just teen age hanging out.  I sat as far away from my grandmother as I possibly could, high up in the stands.  Several yards away from me were a group of teens that I had met earlier in the evening.  As Anita Bryant was talking, I as falling asleep. Finally one of the teen girls came over to where I was sitting, I very quickly envisioned a potential opportunity for the evening having some kind of fun.  When she arrived she commented that "They were being too noisy, and she wanted to hear what Anita Bryant was saying".   I was so dumb founded, because I couldn't  believe that a teen would want to listen to this stuff, (I used a more colorful exp-lenitive).   We argued about the reality of God, I was against, she was for it. Finally she said " I can't listen too you anymore, it hurts too much"  I called her a ,(exp-lenitive) freak and was glad to see her go.  A few minuets later she came back with all her friends.  We argued the about God for quite sometime, meanwhile Anita is signing and talking.  After awhile one of them said that God was Love.  That thought would not leave my mind, I wanted it to; but it wouldn't.  I never thought of God in those terms, I never thought of God at all.  Finally one of them said "Is your life that great that you don't need Jesus".  In all my arrogance, pride and seeming self reliance I wanted to say "yes" and tell them where to get off.  I was about to say it, when something made me stop and think, for only a second or two. I found myself saying, "No". They asked if they could pray with me, I agreed; not knowing or expecting anything.  As they prayed i found myself saying in my mind "Jesus I need you".  That was it. My whole prayer.  With in seconds I felt as if I was lifted 5 feet off the ground. There was such an overwhelming flow of power, joy, life, like nothing I had ever known or known since. Although no one else heard it, I most definitely did; a voice that was clear as anyone's but with a power unmatched.  It said " I am God" "I am real".  That's it.  In a flash I went from Christian hating pagan to one of His chosen.  The spiritual hardness melted, the scales fell away. The group that was praying with me felt and knew something had transpired.  They began praising and thanking God, laughing, overall quite a joyous moment.  To this day I never heard what Anita Bryant said, but God spoke to me. 

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Permalink Reply by Jim London on February 14, 2012 at 12:20pm

Michael, thank you for sharing another of God's great stories! The Spirit of God reaches people's hearts in so many diverse situations, even when they aren't consciously looking for God. He is always looking for us, always active toward drawing us fully into life in the Son.

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Permalink Reply by David Kendall on March 20, 2012 at 9:28am

I Belong, Amen.

        "I can only pray they forgive me for the wrong that I have   done to them, the ones that I have given AIDS, even murdered. The   families I have broken and ruined. The lives I have torn apart. The   souls I have led into total & utter sin. Oh Father, God, please   forgive me for the lies I've told, for committing adultery both in my   heart and in the act, for stealing from so many, for worshiping money   and sex and the pleasures of sin, for cursing Your Holy Name, my parents   and my neighbors, for desiring, coveting, taking and hurting others to   have what was not mine. For living in sin for all of my life. For   engaging in detestable and disgusting acts. FORGIVE ME ! In Jesus' Holy   & Precious Name Lord, forgive me and come into my heart, my soul,  my  life. Create in me the man of God that You created me to be. Amen !"

        He carried me through the storm and made it possible for me   to tell you my own story so that I have a part in crushing everything   that Satan has told you and led you to believe. You have accepted   complete sin as a "way of life" or a "lifestyle." And I am here to let   you know that there is no "way of life" or "lifestyle" called   homosexuality, or transgenderism, or prostitution, or sexual promiscuity   and there is no tolerance for living that sin when in your heart you   KNOW it is wrong. You KNOW that those feelings you are having are not   right. You KNOW that because that is the truth. Please know that I am   not telling you this to humiliate you nor am I trying to degrade you. I   am doing my best to SHOW YOU the Truth. Now I know we are in a society   where most of these things I have mentioned are not looked down upon,  as  a matter of fact some have been accepted as lifestyles.

        I am constantly under attack by demons trying to take me back   to the darkness that I dwelled in for too many years, but my strength   is through Jesus Christ and He will, and does, give me strength to  carry  on. Now I lived as a homosexual for many years and I was one of  those  "very gay" flamboyant people who if you didn't know I was  homosexual  then you had to be blind, deaf and dumb. Did I have sexual  encounters  when I was a child with males older than me ? Yes I did. Was  I molested ?  I guess I was but I sure never refused or wanted to stop.  In fact, I  desired the attention as much as I could possibly get it. I  was very  young when I first had a homosexual experience and I was 37  years old  when I had my last. Over thirty years of detestable sin. I  keep saying  "detestable" because that is what homosexuality is to God,  it is an  abomination to Him. There is no in between, or acceptance in  ANY Holy  Bible that would allow anyone to think otherwise. You were not  BORN that  way and it is NOT okay to be that way. It is NOT okay for  you to have  those feelings and whoever told you that  is a worker of  iniquity, which  means that person deviated you from what is right and  true.

         From the moment I was conceived I was on a rough road. I   wasn't three months in my mother's womb when my father committed   suicide, and that moment changed everything in my life. I grew up in a   house full of women, my two older brothers were never around so I was   always with my mother, sister or female cousins. And my only two friends   were girls to. I never had a father figure in my life and I may have   longed for that. Is that what caused me to like the sexual advances from   other boys and men ? I don't know and frankly it doesn't matter now.   What matters now is that I know the Truth and I let you know the Truth,   in hopes that you will SEE & FEEL the conviction of your sin as I   did and turn away from it, repent and believe. I went from being a cute   little boy to a very smart, manipulative, sexually suggestive and   conniving little person. I had no clue I was on a path that would   eventually bring me to a crossroad of death or God's Almighty Salvation !   And there is no doubt which road I took as I am here today to tell you   of my own journey back to God. Yes, BACK to God, as we are all with  Him  in the beginning. It is our choices that lead us astray. We CHOOSE  sin.

        Not only did I have feminine mannerisms about me but I looked   very feminine also, actually I passed for a young girl very easily on   more than one occasion. Once I figured this out and I realized  I could   receive even more attention and physical encounters, I used it to my   advantage very quickly. By the age of 11 or 12 I was cutting school and   heading to the local mall where I would put on a little bit of my   sister's make-up that I stole from her and change into some of her   clothing in the mall bathroom. I had a few very short lived   relationships with other males who actually thought I was a young woman.   I performed as many sexual acts for them, and with them, as I could   without going all the way to keep them from finding out my "secret".   When it got to the point where they wanted to take it "all the way", I   just simply stopped seeing them and vanished from their lives. I never   knew, or realized, the harm I was putting myself in. But here I was a 12   year old boy passing for a 15 or 16 year old girl and I was getting so   much attention from so many different men that I knew I did not want  it  to end. After a few years of getting deeper and deeper into trouble  with  my mom and family, my mom was at her wit's end with me so she took  me  to live in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. Out of the  frying  pan and into the fire, as they say. First we stayed with a  family friend  in the ghetto where I discovered cocaine and started  using on a weekly  basis. At 15 years old  I robbed the neighbors house  and eventually got  caught but no charges were filed. My mom had met a  nice man and they  began dating on a regular basis, eventually moving to  the Northeast  section, which was definitely not the ghetto. I was  spoiled and never  could do any wrong in my mother's eyes, so I got away  with much more  than I should have. I was babied and coddled as a  result of what my  father did, or so that is what I think.

        I quickly found the downtown section where all of the   homosexuals hung out. I saw how open they were about it and it was okay   there. I was taken under their wings almost immediately and was part of   something. I wasn't sure what I was a part of but it sure felt good to   find people that felt, and acted, like me and be accepted by them so   quickly. They made me feel like I was in a brand new "family" that I   never had because they were always hugging and holding hands, always so   close together. Then, I met the "drag queens", the ones that I felt  more  of a connection to because they "understood" my feelings of not  wanting  to be who I was. They agreed with my passion for acting like  and  dressing like a woman. They assisted in my growth in this new world  and  they made sure I understood that what I felt was right. Assuring  me it  was OKAY to dress like a woman, it was definitely OKAY to engage  in  these sexual acts with other men and it was an even better idea to   charge these men for letting them have their way with MY body. It wasn't   long before I was running away from home, staying out all night,   dressing up like a woman, drinking, doing more drugs, taking female   hormone shots and pills, prostituting myself on the streets all night   long, sleeping in parks, motels and eventually getting arrested for   numerous things. Finding myself in trouble with the law several times I   ended up going to juvenile detention lock-up facility where I realized I   was even more special because I looked and acted so feminine. It  seemed  as if almost all of the other boys wanted to show me "affection  and  love" and those who didn't pretty much just stayed away from me. I  did  have a few really bad and scary encounters like when I was forced  to  engage in a sexual act in the bathroom by boys who all had a chance  with  me. After being sent to a court ordered home, running away and  then  going from place to place I was eventually sent to an all boys  school by  the court where I graduated high school and tried to get a  handle on my  life. I still wanted to take female hormones and dress  like a woman but  I didn't want to do it while living in parks, motels  and where ever I  could lay my head at. I was 16 years old when I  graduated from high  school and after my mom split up with her boyfriend  we moved to a  neighborhood that was not quite the ghetto but it was a  rough one and we  fit in just fine. At this point in my life I had  engaged in sexual  activities with well over a thousand men and I had  the inclination that I  may be HIV+ as were so many of my friends and  past lovers. I went from  living at home and being the feminine gay guy  to living with friends or  in motels, dressing like a woman,  prostituting and partying. Then I  would move back home and just be the  feminine flamboyant gay guy for  awhile. It was a never ending cycle for  me. I would take off to New York  City or Los Angeles or Virginia,  survive for a few months and return  home to the safety and comfort of  mommy.

        I always remembered the attention I got when I had gotten   locked up and put away, it stuck in the back of my mind like a dream or a   temptation. I was arrested after turning 18, for beating some woman in   the head with a railroad spike, kicking in her door and busting out  her  windows to her house because she disrespected my mom and my sister.  I  was not in juvie hall any more, I was sent to the adult facility  where  there were even more men that wanted to engage in special  activities  with me and I enjoyed it. I found myself liking it and  wanting not to  leave. It was like a safe haven for me because I had no  worries and no  competition because the men in there saw me as the  closest thing they  were going to get to a female. The female hormones  had begun to work  awhile back and I started to grow breasts and my body  was getting more  feminine in it's appearance. I spent a month or so in  the county jail  and then I was ready to go back to the free world  where I could enjoy  all of the same things but in the comforts of home.

        At 19 years old I decided I wanted to do something with my   life and get some training. I wanted to have a career. I enrolled in Job   Corps and was sent to W. Virginia where I started enjoying the  everyday  hustle of going to classes, job training and then back to the  dorms for  the activities that I enjoyed most of all, being the feminine  &  girly looking boy that other boys wanted to use for their own  enjoyment,  and I was okay with that. In my mind that contact was  attention, which  was affection, which meant they were showing me love,  real true love. At  least that is what I would tell myself and convince  myself of. Well, my  experiences at Job Corps came to an abrupt end when  I was called into  the nurses office only to be told that I was, in  fact, HIV+. Now it is  one thing to THINK you MIGHT be HIV+, but believe  me, it is a whole  different story to be told that you ARE HIV+. I left  Job Corps, returned  home and went into a depression. I was only 19  years old at the time  and had lived the life not many had gotten to  endure yet or even some  have yet to make it through. Then to top it off  my best friend,  Michelle, was murdered. She was shot, execution style,  during a drug  deal gone bad in N.Y.C.. It all just tore me apart. I  became very angry  and I decided to go back downtown and see some of my  so-called "friends"  and see what they thought about my being HIV+. I  was told that it  didn't matter and it was nobody's business. I was told  to not tell  anyone else and, don't worry about giving it to anybody  because nobody  worried about giving it to me. And so, that became my  new motto. I  continued dressing like a woman and prostituting myself  knowing that I  was HIV+. I took more female hormones and my breasts got  larger, larger  to the point where I couldn't hide them from my family  with big  sweatshirts or t shirts anymore so I got an apartment and gave  up the  part time motel and part time home thing. I spent a lot of time   escorting also, which is just another word for prostituting, but I   didn't have to walk the streets when I was an escort. The clients would   call me or page me and I would go to them or they would come to my   place. However, I was still drawn to walk the streets. I guess it was   just for the excitement of it all. I would call party lines or date   lines to meet guys for my personal pleasures. Homosexual men didn't want   no parts of a "drag queen" or a "pre-op transsexual", the title which I   preferred. The title made me feel proud and happy. It was the bisexual   men who would come to see me. I met a lot of men who never had a   homosexual experience until they met me. Some of whom I think of from   time to time and wonder if I gave them HIV or if they ever were saved   and born again. How many were dead because of me ? How many went home to   their wives and girlfriends and gave them HIV also. How many babies   were conceived and had HIV due to my actions ?

        At one point I went down south, and all that changed was my   surroundings, because it sure wasn't my actions. There came a point when   I once again found the wrong crowd of people. I befriended a lesbian   who abandoned her son at my apartment. When I threatened her that I   would call child protective services and report her, she came and got   him. The next day I was greeted by two detectives who wanted to ask me   all types of disturbing questions. They were accusing me of attempting   to molest the boy who was left in my home. The boy whom I fed and   treated as if he was my family. A young boy that was obviously coached   as to what to tell these detectives because they truly thought I was   guilty. They didn't arrest me at that point, but they did tell me not to   leave town. So I went back home on the next thing smokin', back to   Philadelphia. I now had warrants for the charge of 'lewd and lascivious   act in the presence of a child' and I had a warrant in Philadelphia for   prostitution, I was 22 years old, a pre-op transsexual and HIV+. Why   change now ?!?!?!??!! I just kept on doing the same old thing until   eventually I was caught and sent to jail. I was a commodity in jail, I   knew it, I played the part so well and I could have anyone or anything I   wanted by doing the same thing I was accustomed to doing, having sex   and acting as feminine as I possibly could.  I was eventually extradited   to a county jail down south where I was once again a commodity. I   really believed that some of these men truly cared for me. I truly   thought they had my best interest at heart. Well I was used and abused   there as well. During the next few years I was back and forth between   home and going down south, violating probation, getting arrested for   prostitution, staying in motels, being violated, beaten by lovers,   stabbed once, shot at a few times, raped more times than I can count    and basically tossed and battered by life itself. I did some drugs like   cocaine, marijuana, crack, meth, pcp, pills, alcohol, even snorted   heroin a few times and I survived to talk about it. I went to prison   twice, each time being the rag doll for more men than I could ever   count. I was diagnosed with full blown AIDS while in prison and I   thought I would die in prison. I KNEW I was a good person and I KNEW I   had a good heart but I never could understand why I was in the situation   I was in. I mean,  I know it was due to my own actions but I just  never  could understand "why me," a question I asked many times over.  Even  through all of this, I did manage to keep a smile on my face and  make  the most of any situation and of every day that I was alive. I  never  dwelled on any given situation because that just didn't make any  sense  to me. If I was going to be in that situation then I might as  well make  the most of it and then my time would go by quicker than if I  felt sorry  for myself everyday. I remember a correctional officer  trying to be  sarcastic and asking me if I was "happy" to be in prison  because of all  the men, she said I probably felt like a "kid in a candy  store". I told I  wasn't "happy" to be in prison but I sure was happy  to be alive and I  explained to her that my sexual "orientation" had no  bearing on my  happiness. I was lying through my teeth, at least at THAT  point in my  life I was.

        The last time I was in prison there was an officer, I forget   his name, but we called him "Bishop". He was a Christian and he let you   know it to. I used to talk with him from time to time and I remember  him  telling me that WHEN I became saved my testimony would help so many   people on so many different levels and walks of life. I now think back   and realize he said WHEN I get saved and not IF I ever get saved. I   think it may have been that moment that my life started to changed, not   completely, but he definitely planted that seed. I wanted something   more, I just wasn't sure what that was. I was used to being battered and   tossed through life, I had relations with more men than I could ever   begin to count. There was one Man that I never attempted to get to know   or have a relationship with, Jesus Christ. That was around the time I   would argue with people that God MADE me gay and I was living the life   that He wanted me to live. After my release from prison in 2006, I   thought more about doing the right thing and staying out of trouble. I   may have slipped up on more than one occasion but I sure did think about   it a whole lot more. I did a few things that took me back to my old   self, but one thing had changed, my appearance. A few years in prison   with no hormone shots or pills will definitely do that. My breasts had   almost gone away and so did the wideness of my hips, and I became David   again. I dressed up a few more times after my release but I just   couldn't get comfortable as much I did years earlier, so I just stopped.   I started going to places where gay men wanted to meet other gay men,   and prostituted myself a few times.

        I wanted God in my life but I also believed that I was MEANT   to be homosexual. I wanted a better quality of life. At this point in  my  life I knew it was easy enough to come by money, as I knew all of  the  different ways to get a hold of money, whether it criminal or not. I   knew how to get physical or sexual contact easy enough. I knew how to   escape from the daily trials and tribulations of life with narcotics  and  alcohol, but none of that mattered because it was not what I was   seeking in my life and in my heart. I wanted the peace that I heard so   much about from Christians that would express to me their own compassion   for my situation. I wanted my life to be whole and at peace. I not  only  wanted God in my life, I also wanted that peace that I saw in the  faces  and the eyes of so many Christians I have met through the years. I   decided to do what I could to stay out of trouble. I got a job   delivering newspapers at night and it worked for me for awhile until   faced with the trials of having very bad dizzy spells and a lot of   balance problems. Turns out I had an infection in my brain. My virus was   taking over my body and my immune system was failing. It was about  that  time when I started feeling a lot of pain in my back also, it  would  come and go like it had for many years. I just wanted to die or  get  better, I did not want to stay in the situation I was in because it  was a  terrible way to be and feel. It was horrifying to want to get up  and  walk to the kitchen and get up and fall half way down the hallway.  I DID  get better, but as my over-all health got better my back pains  got much  worse and lasted for days. I was back and forth to the doctors  &  hospitals for tests and pain medications for months. Finally  being  diagnosed with Osteoporosis, Degenerative Disk Disease, herniated  disks,  and arthritis. I spent months in bed and had to use a walker  when I was  able to walk. I was ordered a hospital bed as I could no  longer lay  flat. It was terrible. I was on some very heavy narcotics  for pain. So I  spent a lot of time in bed doing nothing. This gave me  some time to  really do some soul searching and find myself. There was  definitely a  battle going on there. I was spending equal time on the  internet seeking  God and watching homosexual pornography, I was  definitely torn.

        I would get better long enough to go to the casino, drink   lots of booze, gamble, engage in homosexuality as much as possible with   whoever, at this point it didn't even matter the age or looks, I just   wanted to engage in the pleasures of sexual contact. Well this only   lasted so long before I would end up back in bed unable to move. I   started to think that my time spent in bed when unable to move may   actually be "signs" telling me something. Then after a few times of   feeling better, hanging out, doing wrong and ending up back in bed, in   pain, I realized there was some kind of pattern. Summer of 2009 I quit   smoking cigarettes when I was told that my next step was oxygen tank if I   wanted to breath correctly. I spent a lot of time searching for my   father's family who had no clue I even existed. I found myself having   the desire to read and to listen to the Bible. I learned more about God   and then I had come under conviction of His Law. It was God's Law that   put me under conviction and caused me to repent of my sins and believe   on Jesus Christ. I opened my heart & soul to Him in October of  2009.  I also found my father's family. I had a brother & sister who  never  knew I existed and a few aunts and cousins also. Wow, I was an   emotional wreck. You see, my father, who committed suicide when my Mom   was pregnant with me was not in touch with his family at the time so   they had no idea of my Mom's existence let alone her being pregnant.   Well, after his suicide my Mom moved back to the U.S. from Canada and   was never in contact with my father's family. It seemed to me that my   actions of doing good and learning about God made something great happen   in my life, I thought, "imagine what He can do in my life if I have   this desire and drive everyday in my life!!!" I couldn't wait.  I erased   almost all traces of who I WAS, (photos, emails, letters, etc...) of  my  past life. I did save a few photos of the "old me" for use in the   future if needed for reference to show those who needed to understand   just who I WAS. To show WHERE I was and that no matter how deep you are   in sin there IS a way out.  I decided no more gambling, no more crime,   no more homosexuality, no more sin ! I started telling others of what   God has done in my life in such a short period of time, and what He can   do in theirs also. It turned out I had to let my friends go also, as   they just did not want to hear it. I feared being given up as a   reprobate mind, or being given up to a sin. I wanted much more. It was   my birthday 2009 when I hit my breaking point and acted upon temptation   for the next to the last time. I found myself in a suite in a casino  for  my 37th birthday looking into a mirror on the ceiling and wall  watching  myself engage in sexual activity with another man and I was  not only  turned off by the whole scene but I was actually disgusted. I  could not  perform or go through with the whole ordeal. I stopped  immediately and  told him to leave. I packed up my belongings and went  home which is  where I thought, prayed and found a way through the whole  situation.  Shortly after that my mother and I decided to move back up  to New  England, more so for her to be closer to my sister and her  children and  for me, it was a fresh new start where I could begin my  new life as a  man of God, as David. The quality of my life has changed  tremendously  and I have been able to see much more clearly what is  right and what is  not. I notice a lot of characteristics in myself that  I still struggle  with and correct when I notice them. It is a daily  struggle and I thank  God I know the difference between what is good and  what is nothing but  evil. I like having a feeling come over me and  tells me that something  is wrong, or bad. It lets me know I am on the  right path because if I  wasn't then I wouldn't be feeling guilty or  like I need to stay away  from certain things or people. I welcome  temptation at this point in my  life because since I have given my life  to God on my 37th birthday I  have only actually fell and committed the  act of sin one time. Yes, one  time was all it took for me to feel the  guilt and to be ashamed of what I  had done, to ask God to forgive me  and tell Him I will NOT do it again.  He has given me such a strong will  and purpose in life that I refuse to  let satan win ever again. I  welcome the temptations as a way to remind  me on a daily basis of the  power and love that God has given me  personally.

        Now I can't tell you about your life or what you have been   through but I CAN, and will, tell you what The Holy Bible says about   sin, living in sin, and being "given up to sin". Leviticus 18:12 says,   Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.   Leviticus 20:13 says, If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a   woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely  be  put to death; their blood shall be upon them. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10   tells us that, Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the   kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor   adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,  Nor  thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor  extortioners,  shall inherit the kingdom of God.

        I love you and I sincerely care for you and your eternal   salvation. You must learn God's Law and know it well, then you can   understand what is coming at the end of that path you are on. I truly   want you to be able to see the sin like I did, I learned God's Law and I   also came to know that I was guilty of sin and that I was also living   with a serious illness, an addiction, a sexual immoral and deviate   nature that needed healing, the healing that only Jesus Christ can heal.

        Roman 1:26-32 is very important, For this cause God gave them   up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural   use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men,   leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward   another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in   themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. And even as   they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over   to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being   filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness,   maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity;   whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters,   inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding,   covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:   Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are   worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that  do  them.

        Do you know what it means to be given up to a reprobate mind ?   A reprobate mind is a mind that has become so ingrained in evil that  it  is not able to stop  –  even in its own best interest. Once you are   "given up to sin" there is no other chance to get right with God. To   become righteous is to have a right relationship with God. I mean   seriously people, do you want to burn in the Lake of Fire for eternity   ?? Do you want your mother, father, brother or sister, your family and   friends to burn in hell ? Does this not concern you ? Do you not want to   do whatever you can do to make it right and turn away from sin ? Do  you  not want to learn what God did for you ? How he sent His only  Begotten  Son to die for you, for your sins, and mine. Now trust me when  I say, I  have been there and I have done that. God DOES have a plan  for your life  and He DOES love you but if you continue in a life of sin  then His  Goodness and Love will give Him no other choice but to find  you guilty  and punish you. It took me thirty something years to allow  Jesus into my  heart, soul, life. Do I ever battle with those feelings  or emotions ?  Of course I do, but I know that those "urges" and  "attractions" are  simply and easily nothing but temptation. In order to  accept sin for  what it is you MUST realize that it IS SIN and you are a  VICTIM of that  sin.

        I know this to be true and I can guarantee you that even  though  it may be hard in the beginning, it DOES get easier as time goes  by. I  have no desire to experience those pleasures of sin any more, I  have  much pleasure and joy being a man of God, knowing that I Belong,  Amen.

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