Do you blame yourself for failing over how your children turned out?

I have heard the heart-cry of many who believe they have failed in raising their children because of how they turned out. One of the many condemnations we put on ourselves (and on others) is this idea that anything that does not end up as being perfect fruit proves our incompetency or lack of spiritual correctness.

Nothing effects us in this life more than our children I think. We delight in them, we agonize over them. If they make a bad choice, or turn out less-than-perfect compared to others' kids, we condemn ourselves for failing. I have been amongst quite a few people that are big into comparing people against others, and judging them according to circumstances that they believe we have control over.

One of the many uncontrollable circumstances in life is how our children turn out. I am absolutely one hundred percent for raising them right, teaching them about our heavenly Father, and being an example to them with our own relationship with Jesus. I believe in protecting them, nurturing them, being their safety net, and setting their boundaries. I believe we need to discipline them while young so they will learn self-discipline when they are older. Along with all of that, all we can do is pray for them daily. They are God's creation, just as we were, and they will make their own decisions in life, just as we did. God gives us all a choice, and they will make their own, and the consequences will be their own too. We have to let go, which has to be the hardest thing in the world. We must never let go of praying for them, loving them, or forgiving them, but we have to let go of responsibility. They are the authority over their own life-choices ultimately.

The guilt trip I want to address in particular here, is the one we put on ourselves when it seems a child, or two, do not end up the way we envision they should, and we blame ourselves. The performance-based pressure we have been immersed in, both in the worldly culture, and church culture, will not let you off the hook. You can only to give it up to Yahushua, pray for your lost child, love them, take them back in if they need it, support them without agreeing with bad choices, and forever.
If you have a tendency to look at others and see them as being less than perfect because of how their children act, I would say to keep in mind that 'There but for the grace of God go I (or my kids too). We all fail to be perfect parents, and can all be faulted.

I do want to tell you about a family I know of that might help you see things a little more in perspective. It was a fine upstanding family with a family-run business, and very influential in the community. They had two boys. The oldest could be pointed out with pride by any parent. He worked hard along side his Dad, building up the family business. The youngest was a black sheep though. He shirked his duties, went out partying, had no self-discipline at all, and eventually left home and made a complete disaster of his life. He even ended up filthy and begging in the streets. He would be a disappointment to any parent, and the Dad was devastated. The boy finally came home when he had no other choice. At least he did come home!
The Dad was thrilled to tears, and was beside himself with delight that his boy had come to his senses and returned home. He not only accepted his son back, no matter how anyone else in the community talked about him and judged him for it, but threw an all-day party and treated his 'black sheep' like a prince. He knew there was time-enough for the duties of life, and lessons learned. Now he was just overjoyed and relieved. His love and forgiveness was a real lesson for me, personally. If you met this man, you would know him to be a great parent, even though one of his kids turned out this way.
His other boy was a better example of good parenting, but those who knew him also knew he had a really bad attitude. His actions looked better on the surface, but he was pretty hateful to be around.
I wanted to tell you about this family because it occurred to me that these were parents you would never think of as having kid problems. I did not know the mother, so can't speak for her, but the Dad was a man you could really respect and believe in, trust me.
He had two completely different kids though, even though they raised them the same and was undeniably a great parent. As good a Father as he was, his two boys were still men of their own and made their own choices. Their own particular characters and personalities were their own, and their choices in life were also their own. One was a model son outwardly, but you would not be proud of his attitude. The other had a much more likable disposition, but his life was a walking disaster of undisciplined choices. Both had the same great Dad though.

I don't recall their names, but you can read their story in Luke 15:11-31

Nathan